Archive for the ‘ Observations ’ Category

I sold my soul to Twitter

In a more elegant time I might have made a pact with the devil so that I could play a mean slide guitar riff. In our world I have to choose between facebook or twitter, both of which have the devil licked when it comes to controlling your soul.

Endless dialogue rages on in both places, people post, and post, and comment and star, and like, and retweet and post irritatingly positive quotes from dead people who never had accounts on either service.

“Why do we do all this?” you might reflexively ask yourself. Or if you are one of the few who stand in the sidelines, you might be screaming “What are you narcissistic morons doing?”

The truth is it is more probable than not that you are actually already on facebook now, playing in the walled garden, and you only stumbled on this because someone posted it. That is the big ugly fact of facebook, it won, it has done what AOL tried and failed, it has created a curated internet. And we use it simply because experiencing the web through the lens of our friendship network is either more useful or fun, I am not yet sure which. Will we ever know which of these is the truth?

If facebook is still here in 10 years then I would err on the side of usefulness, otherwise,… well it was an entertaining way to spend 100 billion dollars.

As for me I have walked over to the twitter side, it is even more shallow and narcissistic than facebook, with a cult of personality culture, and frivolous follow and unfollow ethic.

But there is a certain kind of honesty to the open shallowness of twitter. No one on twitter thinks it is anything other than narcissism, and they still read things that don’t exist only inside twitter. People come back to twitter for a moment of entertainment, but they are not trapped there, it is a game, it doesn’t have your photo albums, or your videos, or your friend’s birthdays or farmville. It is just people talking, joking, bullshitting, flirting, and desperately trying to be famous or sell stuff.

So I sold them my soul, I don’t need friends, I need followers.


The top ten things that drive me stark raving mad about the iPhone

The top ten things that drive me stark raving mad about the iPhone

Lists of things you love and hate are naff. I know that. I still want to write one though. That is because I live with my iPhone every day. I have for years now. I use it to write articles. I write music with. I draft stories. I converse, I read, I play with this thing. So let me preface this list by saying I love this thing. These are the few things that I think are decidedly poor choices in the design of an overall great device.

Hopefully, a bored apple engineer will stumble across this list and then I will get the perfect device.

1) It auto-corrects its to it’s, as if the former simply does not exist in the English language.

2) Even when I added ‘its’ to my custom dictionary, the iPhone still auto-corrects its to it’s.

3) The browser renders in such a way that it doesn’t remember where I am in the text when it gets around to loading images. This means my attempts to read online articles are punctuated by constant re-scrolling to the point I was reading.

4) When I press the stop loading to prevent the browser reloading a page that is already visible, the render engine sets the whole page blank. I am prevented from changing my mind and continuing to read what is already loaded.

5) The YouTube application does not cache videos. Why ?

6) The YouTube application does not let me re-watch something I just watched without downloading the entire video a second time from the start. This makes me livid.

7) I have no control over how much data can be cached by the maps application. This means I cannot pre-load data before going into areas that have exorbitant data roaming costs.

8) If an SMS fails to send, the phone is not smart enough to try again when I get a connection. Numerous messages have goon unanswered due to this absurdity. It is really simple: once I send it, I want you to fucking SEND IT as soon as you can!

9) I am prevented from combining typing with pasting text in certain widgets. For example, in the phone application, if I have copied a number into the buffer, and I need to first type in the international code, I am not allowed to paste the number after what I have typed. What I typed gets completely overwritten. The only way around this is to open the notepad, type the international code, then paste the number, then re-copy the combination of the two and return to the phone app. This makes me want to raise Steve Jobs from the dead so I can kill him personally.

10) In addition to the above. If I have a phone number in text, then I press and hold to copy. All I get are options to call that number or add it to a contact. What happened to copy? Copy is what I want to do most when I press and hold. Of course sometimes I will want to copy a phone number. Like in the above case when I am trying to get around another defect in the OS design.

10) If I am downloading an app into the phone and I press the icon to ‘pause’ it, when I press it again to un-pause the download starts again from the beginning. This also drives me crazy. Why is it so fucking hard to start a download again from the point at which it was paused? Why for fuck’s sake ?

I do love my iPhone though.

Show me the Luis Vuitton

I am wandering through a mall in Berlin watching some cashed up Russian tourists paying up big for some Luis Vuitton bags. It is such a brilliant scam, mass produce some bags with a fancy label and over price them and sell them out of exclusive up market looking stores, and you can even con money out of Russian gangsters. Genius.

Sex Bots are Coming

Are you someone who would buy a ‘pleasure bot’, or not ?

I ask it that way because ‘sex bot’ is probably not how they will be eventually marketed, euphemisms are the key to making adult products mainstream, just think of all the vibrators that have been sold as personal massagers.

No, ‘sex bots’ do not exist yet, so don’t go rushing down to Walmart with your credit card. In spite of Jude Law’s fantastic portrayal of one in AI, they are still just a hypothetical product category, about which we can only philosophize.

We can be sure that a great deal of that philosophizing will be from people who believe they should never be created. Undoubtedly they will ruin our society for one of a handful of reasons, mostly related to moral codes created by people who believed they had a personal relationship with a manifestation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. However, as anyone who watches technology closely knows, if there is an adult/erotic/porn application for a technology, then it will be used that way. I will gladly go on the record right now (in defiance of the Black Swan guy) and make a bold prediction: sex bots are coming (no pun intended) and they are going to disrupt our society like nothing you have ever seen before.

Why am i so confident? Well the precedents are all in place, let me list them.

1) I know many women whose sex lives are already completely dependent on their vibrators (not my girlfriend of course).

2) As a society the single person is the fastest growing demographic category, and apartment design is beginning to reflect that fact.

3) Shame about masturbation is rapidly diminishing ( just spend a hour on twitter to convince yourself )

Finally, you need to know that engineers love robots. They want to build them for us, their employers just haven’t found the right market. There are robots that sweep floors, pretend to be our pets, or watch patiently over the elderly while we waste our evenings playing Farmville. These were all cute ideas, but what the women of the world really want is a life size replica of Brad Pitt (or Owen Wilson ), that can pound them until they press the stop button, and then lay in bed stroking their hair and reading them their text messages.

The only reason this product don’t exist yet is because fat white male corporate executives are scared shitless that it will demonstrate just how sexually incompetent they are. But as we all learned from Napster, you can not hold off innovation for ever. The sooner we get around to giving women what they want, the sooner we can avoid having to endure yet another ‘Sex in the City‘ movie. The downside guys, is that we will never see women again, they will spend their entire lives shopping on the Internet, in between sex romps with their small entourage of Hollywood look-a-likes.

Now here is where my predictions start to get weird. The only people left on the streets will be men. Hordes of lost, purposeless men, because psychology has shown us that men do everything for the attention of women. Deprived of that attention, Mankind will wander aimlessly. Until, inevitably, men begin to fill that void in their lives by turning gay, because as we haven’t found the gay gene, being gay must be a choice. So, as a result of these machines our society will become segregated, with all of the women becoming reclusive nymphomaniacs addicted to their plastic fuck buddies, while all the men become ultra-buff fags, fucking each other in the streets with reckless abandon.

My money is on Google producing the first pleasure bot, although given the havoc that these devices are about to wreak upon our society I think Apple would be a more appropriate brand to get the whole market going.

God 1 : Atheists 0

I have just read an incredible post that provides the most incredible proof of the existence of God and the power of prayer.

What are the odds that a bomb disposal technician would one day have a bomb detonate and injure him. But that the bomb (an improvised explosive – manufactured in a impoverished country) would fail to function properly, so that he requires only minor surgery. Not only that, but that this technician’s family, coming from a society that regularly prays for people, would have only just that previous week been asking people to pray that he comes home safely. You simply could not calculate improbability of such an event, we do not have statistical models or computers that could handle the number of decimal places.

Take that atheists !

Gene Pool

Bathroom Gender Differentiation in Suite 212, Stuttgart, Germany

Cats and Dogs

I was a little disappointed with the absence of dog and cat on the menu while I was in china. I did eat a donkey sandwich though, it tasted nothing like chicken.

After making some inquiries I discovered that these things are very regional. In different parts of the country I might have seen dog or cat on the menu. You might be squirming in your seat right now or assuming that I am joking, which means unless you are a vegetarian I consider you to be a bigoted, western centric hypocrite. The ethical value of killing and eating animals, however moral it is, or isn’t, is not decided by which animals we choose to kill. Aside from Peter Singer’s attempts to weigh the moral costs of eating different kinds of creatures (which the rest of the world seems to be ignoring), there is no reasonable way in which one animal’s life can be weighed against another. Killing something conscious is just plain killing, regardless of whether it is fluffy, feathered or scaly. There is no absolute hierarchy in which some animals deserve to be farmed and others not, only ones we invented for our own convenience. If you are prepared to kill things to eat them, do not pretend that you have a morally superior position to someone who chooses to eat dogs.

I myself can’t decide which I would prefer to eat: dogs or cats. If I stopped to consider the number of dogs that have bitten me over the years, then I should think that they owe me a few sandwiches. In no particular order I have bitten been by : a German shepard, several kelpies, a cattle dog, a doberman, a saint Bernard, a corgi, and more mongrels than I can remember. Yet I still find myself aligned with dogs in the great cats versus dogs dichotomy, hence I think I would prefer to eat a cat. Sadly, I will have to wait until my next trip to try a cat stir fry.